Feeling Unseen for Years
Recent discussions around school refusal, including an article in the Irish Independent, a talk by Mary O’Kane that I had the privilege of attending some time ago, wider conversations around childhood trauma, and, most recently, the release of the Leaving Cert results, have prompted much reflection.
While reading an article discussing recognised types of childhood trauma, it struck me that the potential impact of a child’s experience within the education system, particularly for those who are neurodivergent or have additional needs, is not really considered.
Increasingly, I work with clients (mostly adults) presenting with significant struggles around self-worth, self-compassion and self-belief, many of whom have received a late diagnosis of neurodivergence.
A recurring theme in their experiences is the lasting impact of feeling misunderstood within an education system that was not designed with their needs in mind.
Many describe years of feeling different, inadequate, excluded or as though they were somehow failing at something that seemed to come naturally to everyone else.
Some have experienced bullying, social exclusion or repeated criticism. Others have spent years being told, directly or indirectly, that they simply needed to try harder, behave better or fit in.
I was particularly struck recently by comments describing children who struggle with school as being “woke” or simply needing “a kick up the backside”.
Perhaps this is part of the problem.
When we reduce a child’s distress to poor behaviour, lack of resilience, laziness or a need for tougher discipline, we risk completely missing what is actually happening beneath the surface.
For some children, these experiences can be deeply distressing and, when repeated over many years, can have a lasting impact on how they see themselves and the world around them.
While not every difficult experience should be labelled as trauma, we should not overlook the possibility that prolonged experiences of rejection, exclusion, bullying, humiliation or feeling fundamentally misunderstood can be traumatic.
And the impact does not necessarily end when the child leaves school.
Many adults continue to carry the beliefs they developed during those years:
I’m not good enough.
I’m different.
I’m difficult.
I’m not capable.
I don’t belong.
This most certainly is not a criticism of teachers, many of whom work tirelessly within increasingly pressured environments. Rather, it highlights broader systemic challenges, including under-resourced schools and limited access to appropriate mental health and additional support services.
For many children and adolescents, school refusal is not simply a matter of not wanting to attend school. It can be rooted in overwhelming anxiety, fear and distress.
These young people are not choosing to struggle; they are struggling to cope.
Perhaps, therefore, we need to look beyond simply getting a child through their school years.
Because a child leaving school with good grades means very little if they leave believing they were never good enough.
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